I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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