we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
