My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Bring me that man meat
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
