My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
