one word: firstdatebathroomanal
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I didn't notice because vodka
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
