Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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