true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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