I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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