how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
