good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
