Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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