My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
