somebody snuck up and got me drunk
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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