yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
