I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
