Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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