I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
