I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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