Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Enjoy the penises
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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