She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
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There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
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A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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