I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
