and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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