you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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