I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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