do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
