Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
