I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
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you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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