I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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