Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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