It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
