My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
