i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
