I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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