i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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