i was born a porn star she said
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
