I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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