It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
