Just invented taco cereal.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
