you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
