Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
