So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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