Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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