So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
