hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
