Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
