She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
