i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
