not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
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I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
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LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just puked most of my soul out..
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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