He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
