im having a threesome with these popsicles
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
