can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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