so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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