Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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