So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
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He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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