fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
