You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
