Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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