Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
