Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
