I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
